i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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