My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
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