He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i came on her dog
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
