i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
