I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
