I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
