Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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