You were right. It hurts to walk today.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
