Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
