omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
that's an acceptable place to lick
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
please come you make the beer taste better
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
