saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
