Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
He has the fingertips of a God
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