apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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