i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
