I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
