Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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