Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
