I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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