Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
