i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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