She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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