my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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