THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
