She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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