So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
