i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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