How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
