Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
