I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
