im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
