When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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