yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
