Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize