no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
