im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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