Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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