i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
