my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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