Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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