Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
