Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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