"it" just moved
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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