Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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