I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
