I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
