Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Terrible idea I love it
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
