I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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