I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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