proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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