I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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