Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
