I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize