I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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