Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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