....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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