so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
jump out the window naked night went bad
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
