tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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