Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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