Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
