I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
